Emotional Rollercoaster

I'm still counting the baby's age in days. I can't imagine what it will be like to start thinking of it in terms of weeks, months, and, heaven forbid, years. Yet at the same time it crosses my mind how much easier things will be when he can open his mouth wider and nurse without a hiccup because we've got breastfeeding down to an art. Or how nice it will be when he can hold up his head reliably. But as soon as I think such things, I realize he will have to get bigger for those things to happen. He won't be so little then; he may not even want to cuddle with me. The thought of him growing up, aging just a few weeks is simultaneously terrifying and exciting.

These sorts of dueling thoughts and emotions seem to sum up most of my life right now. The childbirth class instructor, the books, and my family and friends were right when they said that your emotions seem to swing entirely from one feeling to another within seconds at times. I knew that such mood swings could happen, were even likely to happen, but that does not necessarily mean that I took that thought beyond the intellectual level. Therefore, when my emotions decided they were going to run the show without even caring to ask for my consent, I was hardly prepared.

I must confess, I was one of those women who thought mood swings related to one's hormones were more in one's head than reality. I hated the thought that someone might dismiss my behavior on the assumption that it was due to my period, for example. I was dedicated to hiding the fact that I might be on my period. If I was angry or upset it was for good reason, not because of some stupid hormones. Well, now that my postpartum hormones have decided to take over at times, I realize that not only can hormones make you feel like you've lost control of your emotional stability, but they don't need a reason to make you feel any certain way. One second I can be blissfully holding my baby thinking that I have never been happier, and the next second I am holding my baby, crying for no reason I can think of, and thinking that my entire world has ended. No triggers necessary.

All those happy new moms who live around me make me feel like these feelings are extremely rare and absolutely unacceptable. They don't do this knowingly, I don't think. They just manage to have everything look like it is under control at least to passersby. I believe this is the case because I, usually, manage to do the same as soon as a visitor drops by or someone calls. I can have been bawling, but as soon as the phone touches my ear I will sound perfectly normal. I will put on a smile and say how great my recovery is going, momentarily forgetting how I was cringing in pain from the stinging of my sutures seconds before. At least on some level this is an act and on another it is a coping mechanism. For a moment, I gain control of my emotions and choose how I will be perceived. I also hold up the image that I am superwoman, able to go from independent woman to mom without the slightest glitch. This image is so important that no one ever speaks of it; if mentioned, people act as though they don't actually expect it or joke about its irrationality. Yet at the same time, people (I) feel the need to uphold that image. To be that image to the best of my ability if not always, for at least five minutes!

Is this unreasonable? Yes. Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. However, I am convinced I am not the only one out there who does this exact same type of thing. To be honest, it is incredibly difficult to imagine posting this online and letting everyone know that sometimes I put up the facade that all is well and dandy when, in fact, it is not. After all, isn't that what I've been striving to hide all these years, first with my period and now with my postpartum experience? While it seems that way, by recognizing that things are not perfectly easy when you suddenly add an adorable, fragile infant to your life and family, I have realized that I can make the change more smoothly. I already know that by expressing my thoughts, worries, stresses, fears, and joys with my husband I've begun to feel so much more hopeful, happier, and more confident. I'm not saying that every moment is easy or that I don't have moments where all I want to do is cry, but as I've told my husband, my parents, and some others how I feel and how hard having a baby really is things have gotten better. The facade doesn't need to come up much anymore. When people ask me how I'm doing, I can say that I'm doing well without lying or exaggerating. All in all, it seems like I just needed a good purge of all the negative emotions and thoughts that came over me. Many of them melted away right after I voiced them. Sometimes you just need to say or write things down and by acknowledging them you free yourself of them. Thank goodness for loved ones who listen and don't judge. Thank goodness for the relief that comes from writing things down.